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"I'm scared". What to do?

Hello everyone! My name is Anastasia, I am a practicing psychologist. And this will be my first post on Habr. Honestly, I went to him for more than two years: I was afraid that the syllable could not be made beautiful and correct. What will be uninteresting. Well, and what to hide, I was worried about the reaction of the readers. I still decided, but the question arose about what should be the theme of the first post. And so, my own fear served as a reason for my reasoning and attempt to express thoughts on this subject.
Through my story, I will try to tell you about how you can deal with your fear: to realize it and act constructively.

Let's start by saying a little more about who I am and why this psychologist decided to write in Habr. It so happened that I work mainly with specialists from the IT sphere: developers, team leaders, service stations - these are the ones who most often come to me for consultations.

It is these people who very often raise the topic of fear, anxiety, excitement, fear, or even panic in consultations. Sometimes they are afraid for the position they occupy. Sometimes it’s hard for them to make decisions. They are afraid to look stupid or arrogant. They are afraid that someone will not approve. Afraid of being yourself.

The guys say:

"I'm afraid to be a bad team lead."
“I'm scared that I can’t cope with the tasks.”
“It's scary to lose a job.”
"Scary to speak."

To summarize: my clients experience many different fears and treat them in completely different ways. In the same way as almost any of the readers.

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What is fear


Let’s first look at what fear is. This is our natural instinct, which is aimed at protecting. The brain “clicks” on the red button to show that somewhere nearby there is danger, distress, etc.

Fear can be found in every psychological theory. The famous Sigmund Freud wrote about us all of him. He defined fear as a reaction characteristic of all organisms. Behavioral scientist John Watson investigated incentives in response to which fear emerges. Alexander Zakharov developed a projective methodology for determining the causes of fears in children.

The key idea of ​​research and this post is simple. Fear is not our choice. This is an emotional state that occurs in response to something from the outside.

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Here's the question: what threatens us when at work we can’t decide on the introduction of any feature? What component of our "I" is in danger and why?

By exploring this question, you can find completely different answers. I often hear in consultations: "Someone will say that I'm bad." This is a threat assessment. “They will decide that they don’t need me anymore and fire me” - here I hear the threat of destruction and valuation. “I can’t be clever” - fear of staying out of the group and again a threat of appreciation. “If the decision is wrong, the business will suffer” is a threat to the security of the future.
My fear was embodied in a threat to security. I thought: it is scary to write on Habr. They will laugh at me, they will cheat. People on the net are very cruel.
Many of these fears are not caused by a real threat, but by what we imagine, we come up with. Some concerns about previous bad experiences. Especially if he had a bright emotional color.

For example, a developer “successfully” flunked an interview with a company that he liked. Got a crushing response to solving the problem or did not pass an HR interview - there can be many reasons. This defeat has a nasty taste - here is the fear of appreciation, and fears for the future. If you do not cope with this experience in the moment, drown it with the bustle of days, then it will come again. Fear will return to a new interview (even if it is no longer in such a significant company).

These brisk little mouse of thoughts will appear again: “I will not pass,” “they will understand that I know nothing,” “I will not receive an offer.” These feelings at interviews are often associated with impostor syndrome - a psycho-emotional state in which we devalue our experience and knowledge, treat ourselves too demandingly and subject ourselves to active criticism (I will tell you more about it a bit later). It is based on fear.

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Fear always starts with anxiety. We begin with a simple assumption: “what if?” Suddenly, the very thing that I am most afraid of will happen. Then our anxious “what if” develops into fear. We begin to more confidently represent defeat. And then, if we stubbornly ignore what we feel, then fear has even more serious consequences. Therefore, if you are one of those who like to leave the comfort zone every day and immerse themselves in the “chef, everything is lost”, then you very often lead yourself to anxiety. Which is followed by constant stress and fear.

How to make fear work for you


We naively think that fear can be ignored. Even when it affects our physical condition - heart palpitations, adrenaline rush, nausea, etc. But in reality, fear is not a matter of our choice.

It is contact with one’s fear, its clarification, that can bring results.

I did not immediately understand that I was not writing in Habr because I was afraid of that very bad experience.

It is impossible to avoid negative thoughts, but you can try to evaluate constructively this or that situation.
To do this, try to write for yourself the actual arguments for and against.

Returning to the example above - suppose that our developer is scheduled for an interview, and he is afraid that he will fail. How to implement the recommendation in this situation?

It is necessary to describe the actual reasons that interfere with a good interview:

  • the developer had a negative experience;
  • he does not know the material well;
  • familiar with the team lead as a harsh interviewer;
  • algorithms are its weak point;
  • during the interview, he begins to stutter and is embarrassed by this;
  • The company has a former / former.

Which of these points can be dealt with? Is it possible to change the experience that happened? No. Is it possible to change the level of knowledge? Yes.

Recognize fear. And call him. So, for example, "I am afraid that they will evaluate me as a weak specialist." And then you can ask yourself factual questions about who such a strong specialist is, what metrics this definition has, and what you need to master in order to come to this point.

Accepting oneself and one’s experiences in and of itself somewhat reduces anxiety.

Helps to cope with fear its "strengthening". When, for example, you scroll for yourself the entire failure of the interview to the end. How to refuse and what happens then. And then imagine how you get out of this unsuccessful interview, and nothing terrible happens to you. You are alive. You are healthy. You know some points of your growth, which means you can move on. You kind of imagine all your fear and mentally give it an end where you are happy.

This helps reduce fear by teaching oneself that the situation is solvable. There is a way out of it.

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What other techniques can help to deal with your own fear?

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I hope the article was useful to you! Write in the comments about what else you would like to read. I will try to bring it to life. Now it has become possible.

Take care of yourself!

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