👩🏻‍🍳 📼 🤐 Subtracted. Want. Do 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 🤽🏼 👺

What just does not happen in the world. So, perhaps, each of us can say. Because we all go to work. And there is a director. And the director has the Internet. And he also has friends. And also “friends”. And sometimes - also the tireless desire to change something.

And all right, he would have changed the salary for us, unfortunate, but in a big way. No, he changes all nonsense. The dress code is not the funniest thing that happens. In honor of Friday, 13, I propose to arrange a coven and remember what nonsense sometimes come up with leaders for us, loved ones, so that work brings us not only money, but also a lot of joy.

Nothing to shy away

One director read somewhere that the main problem of a modern office is that everyone shy away and tryndy, instead of working. After all, people are irrational creatures, do not feed them bread, let me talk.

The solution deducted a simple one - it is necessary to limit the freedom of movement. Of course, you cannot put a person on a chain - not those times (perhaps this terribly upset him). But there are modern engineering access control systems.

So, we divide the office into small rooms, for 2-5 people, no more. Each room should have a door, moreover, it is opaque. It is important. And on each door there is an electronic lock, which can only be opened with a card.

What is important: the kitchen and the toilet are also rooms? They should have the same electronic lock.

Then the most interesting thing is setting up access rights, i.e. who can go where. The programmer, for example, got the rights to the front door, a room with his workplace, kitchen and toilet. All. You can come, go, work, eat and poop.

The main ways employees interact are via email and skype. Even if they are sitting through the wall.

People, of course, “hacked” the system - left their office, went to a neighbor, knocked on the door and opened it. Then the director forbade knocking on the door. If you want to get to someone, first “communicate” on Skype, then go.

This went on for several months. Tired of everyone. In addition to the programmer, of course - he was the only IT person there, and quickly realized what kind of high isolation he was given. Previously, he sought to stop bringing tasks to him on foot, and wrote at least by e-mail - and here on you, this way turned out to be the only possible one.

Then they canceled it and made an open office.

Atmospheric gadget

One director read that the office should have a good, pleasant atmosphere. Now there are a lot of offers on the market to create this very atmosphere, from feng shui to business aromatization, and then the choice was smaller. The director read that the atmosphere creates sound.

And what sound can be more pleasant for a person than the murmur of water? None, the director decided. And he ordered terrible devices to be purchased at all offices, I don’t even know what they are called - such a thing is hung on the wall, it shows a waterfall, and a separate button turns on a sound that mimics the murmur of this very waterfall.

It imitates, because the times were far, even the Internet was limited with payment for traffic. It was possible to listen for a couple of minutes, but then the brain simply refused to think.

These pieces were hung in all offices. Thank God, the director did not like to sit in one place for a long time, and constantly moved. The main problem was to turn on the waterfall before he arrived, otherwise he was terribly upset.

Established a simple communication. The director left - we called to other offices, all include a waterfall. Arrived somewhere - we call the others, we inform you, they happily turn off the device.

It ended when the director was held up in one of the offices, and sat for about an hour under this same waterfall. I got up and turned it off. Silently. No longer upset when he saw the waterfall turned off.

Sell like Bezrukov

One director of a manufacturing company read that the key to good sales is the skill of managers. But not some kind of mastery of negotiations, pricing or planning, no. We need a special skill - acting.

The manager must be an actor, able to play any role, give the right emotion to the mountain, even cry if the business situation requires it. Well, he hired a special person who taught managers acting skills.

The special person was good, and taught quickly. Managers have become such that you listen and look. Sales, however, did not increase.

And Vova sold most of all. He, the bastard, managed to sell 2-3 times more than the closest competitor. But Vova did not go to acting classes, and the only emotion he betrayed was "how moronous you are of me, morons." Perhaps that is why I did not go to courses. Vova can.

Ok accepted

One director read that the main communication problem was the lack of response to the email. Because of this, tasks are not performed, messages do not reach, the strategy is not implemented.

You write a letter - and no answer, no greetings. Therefore, the director said: there should be an answer to any letter. At least "OK, accepted."

And a little earlier than all, we were taught to press the button "Reply to all" instead of "Reply" (which, by the way, is very good). But the combination “Ok, accepted” and “Reply to all” is just a disaster.

Especially when a human resources officer sends out an email to everyone who has an email with information about the VHI program. It stupidly lists the services included in the insurance, the cost and where to go to get it. Namely, come up, not write, because the contract must be signed.

And now 150 letters leave from the personnel officer. And everyone presses “Reply to all” and writes “Ok, accepted.” There are already 151 letters in each box.

Then the dialectical question arose: do I have to write “OK, accepted” on “OK, accepted”? After all, the director said there should be an answer to each letter. Simple logic says: there will be a loop, the chain will never break.

Basically, of course, everyone was guided by common sense, and did not write “OK, accepted” to “OK, accepted.” But as they say, make a fool pray to God - he will break his forehead. There were people who took this game seriously. Do not forget to click "Reply to all."

They lasted a couple of months, and launched a project to automate the management of orders. There, “OK, accepted” is a button that means accepting a task into work. And letters were used for correspondence.

Values

One director read that the main thing that modern companies lack is not a strategy, processes, or mission. The main thing is values. Plus / minus it’s clear where he read it - probably from Stephen Covey.

But, either I didn’t read it to the end, or I didn’t understand something, but the introduction of values was forcible. At first, they forcibly invented values. Then they forcibly chose what the company's values really are. Then they forced everyone to learn these values by force, so that they bounced off their teeth. And then, of course, they began to introduce it.

The implementation went simply through the checklist. Whatever you do, wherever you go, it must be consistent with values. Let's say values are honesty, respect, efficiency.

You get up with the report at the meeting - filter the market. In the end, you will be asked to evaluate whether your message was honest, respectful, and effective. If not, report again. Until you meet the value standards.

Letters were checked in the same way. At first, only the director was engaged in this, the rest only groaned and redid. Then there were individuals who cut the chip - now you can arrange a “value football”.

They write a task for you - well, I don’t know, purchase and install a computer for a new employee. Feel free to write in response: I won’t; your task lacks honesty, respect and effectiveness. Honesty, because you did not say what kind of employee, position and salary. Suddenly this is your relative. Respect, because you wrote “you,” not “you." Efficiency, because you can manage without a new employee - no one quit, just hide inefficiency by scaling.

As soon as the "value football" began, all this catastrophe stopped, by the director himself. Values are simply printed on paper and hung next to mission, strategy and vision. Somewhere in the toilet area.

CRM

One director read that a CRM system needs to be introduced to increase sales. It happened a long time ago when there was no CRM zoo like now. As far as I remember, there was not even a single online system. There was 1C, and some kind of CRM on it.

But not the point. The director subtracted it very strange. Either that, or not there, or so. All that he remembered about CRM - the abbreviation itself and the headset. Perhaps I read an advertising booklet on which smiling girls with a headset on their heads were painted.

Accordingly, the director formed a pattern: the implemented CRM is when a headset is put on the manager’s head. The IT director was immediately given the task of purchasing a hundred headsets and distributing them to managers. Yes, and implement CRM.

The IT manager was quirky, and immediately realized - you just need to buy and distribute headsets. Interestingly, there was not even IP-telephony. Just landline phones. True, managers used them only for internal calls - to system administrators, to accounting, etc.

Without thinking twice, they simply stuck headsets into telephones. But the managers were quickly pissed off, because, out of habit, they picked up the phone, but did not hear the beeps - the headset worked by default.

Then they changed their shoes and stuck the headsets into computers - good, the jacks were empty, no one was fond of music, and they didn't have Skype then. It got better. Headsets simply lay next to computers, or hung on monitors, and life went on.

They used landline phones for internal calls, and mobile phones for conversations with customers. And the director walked, looked and was glad that CRM was implemented in his company. True, sales have not increased.

Jedi Director

One director read that you need to turn off all notifications on the phone. I even know where I read it - from Maxim Dorofeev. I’m not sure, however, that it is written in the book, but the director did just that - turned off the heck of a notification.

In the status of messengers, he wrote that he reads messages either two or three times a day. It was easier with e-mail - I read it once a day.

True, there was a peculiarity - he rarely went to the office, mainly went on business trips. Another feature - a lot was tied to it, i.e. operational processes, mainly sales and work with key customers.

Thrash began. Sales got a stake. Previously, in case of a problem situation, it was enough to drop a message, and within an hour the issue was resolved. Now I had to wait half a day, or even a day. Or gather the will into a fist and call the director directly.

On the one hand, it seems - an excellent challenge in order to get out of operational activities, to reorganize processes so that they are not dependent on the director. But no. He suffered and suffered. He suffered and suffered. But did not give up.

Then he missed a couple of layoffs of key employees. A man writes a letter in the morning - and so, everything is sick of it, I'll quit. And waiting for an answer. But there is no answer. What does it mean? Get out, Che. Well, a man walked and quit - good, there was someone to sign a statement, except for the director.

And when he woke up, it was too late. The statement is written, the whole office in the know. And about the dismissal, and about the fact that the director gave the tacit consent. You can, of course, play everything, but there is a risk either to lose face, or openly admit that it is too early to turn off notifications.

As a result, there was a Solomon solution. I left the status “I look twice a day”, but turned on notifications. If they write important, he answered. If they write nonsense, the status answered.

Subtracted. Want. Do